3 Steps to Communicate Clearly

Discover how misunderstandings create painful, lasting rifts between people and how to avoid them.

After experiencing the loss of a loved one, whether a person or family pet, everything falls apart. It is normal to feel heartbroken and disoriented. If someone says or does something triggering, it can spark reactions which cause misunderstandings and upset relationships.

Effects of Grief

• Feeling numb in the 1st year about how to live on without them

• Being unable to answer questions from family, friends and colleagues

• Lacking trust in yourself and your purpose in the world

• Bursting into unexpected tears or having outbursts of anger

• Failing to respond when people reach out to support you

After my husband died, I went through these myself and had to find ways to solve the problems they caused because my actions were driving people I loved away from me. Bereaved people often complain of being abandoned by family and friends they counted on to support them.

3 Ways We Can Communicate More Clearly While Grieving

1. Prepare people who are trying to offer support to weather the overwhelming, uncontrollable emotions which come up as we grieve and not take them personally.

2. Take responsibility for your own grieving experience by getting clear about what’s really going on inside so you know what action to take next. If you have an outsized reaction to something a person says or does and get irritated, ask yourself:

   1. “Is it me?”

   2. “Is it them?”

   3. “Is it us?”

3. Make an extensive list of all the practical tasks you need done that would make a difference in your life so you aren’t trying to think of them when asked spontaneously. People who care are desperate to help but don’t know what to do. Give them a job so they can contribute on your terms.

If you are trying to support a bereaved family member, friend or colleague, it’s normal to be unsure what to do or say. You may have been at the effect of their sudden tears or anger and not known whether to comfort them and stay or walk away. They may not respond at all or have a negative response to a call, text or visit. You may worry that they are broken and will never ‘bounce back’.

3 Ways to Support a Bereaved Person More Effectively

1. Understand that grief has a long timeline and its effects last a lifetime. That means their network of support needs to be aware of ongoing and changing needs and persist for at least 5 years.

   1. Year 1 - numbness, lack of purpose, overwhelming feelings, life falls apart

   2. Year 2 - reality of death becomes real, extreme pain, family and friends leave

   3. Years 3-5 and beyond - reclaiming trust in self and the world, and resetting the path forward

2. Listen, listen, listen. When people who are grieving can’t say what they want and need clearly, sometimes those who love them jump in with unasked-for advice or help. Don’t do that. Give them time and space to answer or make a suggestion, based on what they are sharing, and execute that task if they agree.

3. Time moves more slowly when a person is grieving. It can feel like being out of step with the rest of the world. For at least the first 2 years, it’s essential to keep reaching out to connect periodically to be their anchor to close relationships. It’s a reminder they matter. Tell them they don’t have to respond until they are ready and able. Make communications short and simple.

Please subscribe and share the Life After Grief newsletter with anyone you know who is grieving or who wants to know how to better support a family member, friend or colleague who is bereaved.