Age Is Not a Character Flaw. It's a Fact.

Hi everyone,

This Washington Post opinion article, Joe Biden and the national conversation about aging we urgently need, was turned upside down when Biden put party and country before pride. Biden, 81, stepped down as the Democratic candidate for President and endorsed Kamala Harris to take his place. There’s now only one aging man, Trump, 78, running for President in 2024 and that has raised our focus on this topic.

There are core truths, we call crises, which run under all our lives until they explode into view and we are forced to deal with them.

• The grief crisis during the pandemic

• The crisis of loneliness

• The delayed conversation about aging

By 2030, 1 in 5 Americans will be retirement age. Approximately 29 million Americans are now part of the sandwich generation, taking care of elderly parents and their children. It’s unsustainable and the number of elderly is increasing, especially as people live longer with better medical treatment.

Age is not a character flaw. It’s a fact. We are all getting older and yet people shy away from people who are grieving in the same way they avoid elderly people, showing the physical or mental effects of aging. Getting older is not the problem. Avoiding the conversation is. Without facing it, we are running out of time to identify the problems and craft solutions in time.

Life is unpredictable and knocks us sideways periodically. The effects of aging vary by person so it’s almost impossible to prepare. We have seen this struggle for the last few weeks as Joe Biden decided what to do.

Facing the Effects of Aging Is Global AND Personal

Watching Biden grapple with whether or not to step down has been deeply painful and personal. I have been the primary family caregiver for my mother-in-law, Joyce, for almost 8 years so I have witnessed her physical decline and memory gaps, especially in the last 5 years.

We had a very contentious relationship while my husband was alive and only became friends after he was gone. She is now 101 and still living in her apartment with 4-6 hours of support a day. I am committed to keeping her at home for as long as she is safe and happy there. It’s complicated.

Practical Tasks

• Make sure bills are paid to prevent eviction, phone or electric turn-off

• Take care of paid caregiver aides

• Do laundry and clean the apartment

• Coordinate schedules for aides

• Take her to doctor’s and dentist’s appointments

• Buy groceries to stock home and other necessary supplies

• Make sure she eats at least 2 meals a day

Quality of Life Experiences

• Sit outside with her in the sun, just basking

• Get her a mani/pedi periodically so she doesn’t scratch herself

• Organize visits with friends, family, physical therapist, piano teacher

• Put Gold Bond lotion on her skin when she gets itchy

• Give her showers, help her dress, and brush her hair

• Take her to get haircuts at the barber or hair salon

• Plan yearly birthday parties, her 100th was a humdinger

Joyce was a world traveler, who worked as an executive secretary at a major hospital and the Egyptian and South African consulates. She sang in an a capella group and one of her friends still comes by weekly and sings with her. For decades, into her 80s, she was an usher at a Broadway theater, seating over 2000 people a night. She gave birth to my late husband, David, when she was 35, which was very late in those days. She was always active and engaged doing something - music classes at the library, writing a children’s book, offering unsolicited advice or help.

Our relationship while David was alive was adversarial, as we competed for his attention. Only after he died of pancreatic cancer in 2016 did we come to like and even, eventually, love each other. Since he passed away, I have been her primary caregiver, a witness to the ongoing limitations of aging. Each time Joyce fell and wound up in the hospital, she came back diminished, each time a little weaker mentally and physically.

As I watched Joe Biden deny the visible signs of his aging, I was reminded of Joyce’s denial of hers. When I ask her about something she forgot or she doesn’t know who I am (after 32 years), it hurts. Last week, when Joyce had an accident I had to clean up, she retorted, “That wasn’t me!” She doesn’t recognize herself in the person she sees in the mirror today. Joyce tells me, “I don’t like getting old. What’s wrong with me?”

I wonder if Biden says, “That wasn’t me!” when age takes its toll unexpectedly and he misses who he was before.

Negotiating Limitations in Powerful Ways

Clarity is a superpower.

Until you define how any limitation caused by the effects of aging is impacting you or someone you care for, you can’t create the ‘right’ solution.

What are you experiencing that you don’t want and how do you fix it?

Ask yourself some different clarifying questions, such as:

Physical Effects

• Are you having trouble walking or keeping your balance?

  • Get a walker or aide

• Can you get to the bathroom at night or is it too far?

  • Buy a commode and/or adult diapers

• Do you remember to eat and hydrate at least twice a day?

  • Stock the fridge and have someone come make meals daily

Mental/Emotional Effects

• Do you forget who people are or when and where you are at times?

  • Set up things to anchor you in the space, like familiar photos

• Do you know you need sometimes help but resist asking for it?

  • Find ways to maintain autonomy, allow love in AND be safe

• Are you frustrated by what’s happening and helpless to stop it?

  • Surround yourself with people who remind you it’s not normal

There is a lot of grief inherent in aging. It’s important to stay connected with others and as engaged in living as possible.

The most essential question is, “What, for you, is a good life?” Once you have that answer, unique for each person, you can move forward in that direction.

Next Steps

This newsletter issue, Age Is Not a Character Flaw. It’s a Fact offers specific ways to support you. If grief about aging is something you are dealing with, either for yourself or as a caregiver for someone else, let’s chat.

Schedule a complimentary 20-minute zoom call to talk. Click the link below: https://thebadwidow.com/ConnectWithAlison.