Anniversaries Suck: How to Be Ready for Yours

Hi folks,

Death anniversaries, especially Year 1 and Year 2, can be disorienting and emotionally overwhelming. For me, the first year after my husband’s death, I felt numb and the second, it got raw and real that he was gone, and I would never see or touch him again.

The truth is that each person experiences that day their own way. There is no ‘right’ way to grieve and/or celebrate the person who is gone on the anniversary of their passing.

The only way to prepare is to think about how you want the day to go. To figure it out, ask yourself questions, such as:

• Who do you want to be with, alone or with friends and family?

• Where do you want to be, at home or out, at work, or traveling?

• What do you want to do, join in activities or relax, unscheduled?

• Do you want to be distracted or share stories with others about them?

• How can you make the day more special by using your five senses?

  Below are a few ideas to start you off thinking…

  17 Creative Death Anniversary Ideas

  Find unique ideas to mark a death anniversary and make it more special. From solo activities to group gatherings, one-time events to annual tributes, get inspiration for how to keep their memory alive, this year and every year.

  www.myfarewelling.com/article/creative-death-anniversary-ideas

  

Ask Me How I Know

My younger brother, Alec

Alec died of a genetic enzyme disorder the year I was 25 and he was 23. The last time I saw him alive was at my cousin’s wedding. Rushing for the plane, I did not get to say goodbye and “I love you” one last time.

As a result, I would freak out for years afterwards whenever I didn’t say goodbye to someone I loved at an airport. I had no idea why and, until I figured it out, I had this uncontrollable visceral reaction every time. The summer after he died, nobody said his name. On the 1-year anniversary of his death, all I wanted was to hear stories about him that I didn’t already know.

My husband, David

On September 11th, 2017, a year after David died, I was weepy for weeks. I couldn’t figure out what was going on because the grief effects lasted much longer than the death anniversary itself.

I was moody, wanting to be alone sometimes, wanting to be with friends and family other times. I had lots of energy and none. Moment to moment, it was hard to know what I wanted. I spent the day on my own, snuggled under the covers. I had no energy for more.

On the 2nd anniversary of his death, I walked around the city to places we loved and scattered his ashes. I took time to feel my love and my grief. I bought myself flowers and lit a candle. I was very gentle with myself because I felt so raw. It struck me finally, after a year of feeling numb and just making it through each day, that I would never see or touch him again. My heart broke anew, as if David just died.

Each year after that, and I’ve now gone through seven anniversaries since he died, the experience has been sad but different. Last year, I was moody that day until the minute after he died at 10:10 am, then I was fine, seriously weird.

The Importance of Rituals

Designing Rituals to Ease the Pain and Move Forward

How a person feels on the anniversary of the day a person died, is unpredictable and uncontrollable. The experience may also last more than one day.

• You may have lots of energy

• You may have variable or no energy

• You may want to be around certain people and not others

• You may want to be alone

• You may want to be distracted by people or activities

• You may want to pause and remember the person you love and loved

To design rituals for grieving on anniversary days, it’s important to think about how you want to feel. Then, come up with what you can do or who you can be with that will help you experience feeling:

• Loved

• Safe

• Seen

• Understood

• Connected

Finally, it’s essential to understand that you may not be able to decide in advance, so create a list of multiple experiences you think will make that day easier. That way, you can choose what feels right in the moment. Think in terms of using your five senses, such as:

• Visit meaningful places you shared

• Eat or drink foods which elicit memories

• Listen to music or ask for stories from family and friends

• Move your body with exercise, dance or walking in nature

• Practice self-care, like getting a massage or petting a dog or cat, or self-expression, like writing, painting or singing

If you choose to do something with other people, be sure to set it up so that you can back out gracefully at the last minute, if you don’t have the capacity to go out unexpectedly.

These are not necessarily what you will choose but, hopefully, will provide a jumping off point for your own ideas. Creating rituals for that day can make it special, even if, or probably when, there are also tears.

This newsletter issue, Anniversaries Suck: How to Be Ready for Yours offers a few ideas to make a hard day easier. If you are looking for support in planning out that day for yourself or personalized grief support, I can help.

The 5-step Heartbreak to Hope Blueprint offers personalized strategies to re-engage, reconnect, reinvent, rebuild and reset your path forward.

Schedule a complimentary Grief Resilience Assessment with me at https://thebadwidow.com/ConnectWithAlison and find out more.