How to navigate the long tail of grief

Hi and thank you for being here,

Grief lasts a long time and is different for everybody. There is no right answer to the question, “When will the grieving end?” It depends.

You may start to hear that your grieving has gone on ‘too long,’ that you are ‘too much,’ that the feelings are ‘more than they can handle’, even to ‘control yourself,’ when tears threaten. Someone may ask, “Aren’t you over this yet?” or “It’s time for you to date/get back to work again”. They don’t understand.

Grief lasts for years but the pain of grief eases over time, becoming pockets and moments, instead of always. The first two years are the most difficult but most people are still taking back their lives for about five years.

The first year after a loss, many people experience numbness, disbelief and an inability to see a time when the heartbreaking grief will be be over. People don’t feel like themselves and their focus is short-term, on how to get through each day. Finding a sense of purpose, being productive and connecting with others is much more difficult.

Everyone, including the person grieving, expects to ‘bounce back’ to being the person they were before. By the second year, reality strikes. There is no ‘bouncing back’. Loss changes you. Family and friends who think you should be back to ‘normal’ by now, leave. Feeling abandoned and misunderstood is very common.

Grief has a long tail. When other people are ready to get back to their own lives, the grief still is at the center of the grieving person’s life. However, what they need changes as they reinvent themselves after their loss. This impacts their capacity to nurture and maintain healthy relationships.

WebMD’s Grieving and Stages of Grief article

According to WebMD’s Grieving and Stages of Grief article, there are 10 distinct forms of grief:

• Uncomplicated grief - grief eases after approximately 6 months, be willing to go through the grieving process

• Anticipatory grief - grief before loss, such as grieving for a person diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease

• Inhibited grief - suppressing the effects of grief, which can cause negative physical and emotional effects later

• Complicated grief - when grief, especially depression, does not ease over time (varies, after year 2 is a guideline), seek professional help

• Delayed grief - putting off grief for later, such as after the children are out of the house. Unfortunately, frozen grief stays as raw as when it was shut up and then has to be dealt with alone

• Absent grief - don’t show grief to others although processing inside. OK but this keeps people who care from supporting you

• Cumulative grief - experiencing one grief event after another in close proximity creates a snowball effect, amplifies and extends the timeline for grieving

• Traumatic grief - difficulties after a loss which make it hard to grieve, such as hurtful secrets discovered afterwards which increase feelings of blame, shame and guilt

• Collective grief - grieving as a group, such as school shootings, natural disasters or pandemics

• Prolonged grief disorder - similar to Traumatic Grief above, seek professional help if grieving goes on for too long

Trust yourself first. Nobody who has not been through a grief experience like yours can possibly understand. Take any advice only from those you trust most and filter it through what you know to be the best course of action for you. It’s your grief process and your choice.

The answer to the question, “When will the grieving end?” is that it won’t. In my experience, and it’s been over 7 years since my husband, David, died, the first two years were the worst but it took 5 years to get my footing again, and still, even with a boyfriend I love, I grieve his loss sometimes. This is normal.

How to Support a Grieving Person Over Time

BEFORE: What does someone going through Anticipatory Grief need?

Action Steps:

1. Listen to them without judgement about their uncomfortable feelings (like exhaustion, resentment, guilt) and practical concerns (like managing caregiving, finding time, managing money). Offer resources to help, without pressure, if you have any

2. Continue to include them in your life by reaching out and inviting them to participate in activities on a regular basis. Don’t forget about them if they drop out of sight or have little energy to engage

3. Understand that anticipatory grief is grief and anyone going through it needs loving care too. This deep grieving before loss may or may not make grieving afterwards easier. Don’t assume anything

YEAR 1: What does a grieving person need in the first year?

Action Steps:

1. Stay in touch regularly by text, phone call, email, snail mail or visit (upon request), without expectations. Remind them that they matter to you. Don’t take it personally if they don’t answer

2. Have a conversation and listen to what’s happening in their life, without judgement. Identify things that you could do for them, from offering to babysit to bringing food to taking a walk

3. Offer to do something helpful, based on what you heard. Don’t give unsolicited advice. You don’t know better than your grieving family member, friend or colleague about what they need most right now

YEAR 2: What does a grieving person need in the second year?

Action Steps

1. Reach out to them consistently over time and invite them to participate in activities or contribute at events. Put your reach outs in your calendar so you remember when life gets busy

2. Be willing to talk about anything they want, whether it’s the experience of grieving their loss, sharing memories or talking about current events. Follow their lead. Allow them to laugh or cry

3. Understand that this year, their loss is real and the grief can be incredibly raw. Be compassionate. Allow them to be the person they are becoming since their loss, not who they were before, with you

YEAR 3 ON: What does a grieving person need for the rest of their lives?

1. See them, interact with them and accept them as who they are now

2. Continue to include them in your life on a regular basis

3. Look for how you can support them by joining them for new activities they may not want to do alone. Fill the gaps in their support networks

3 DON’TS

1. Give them unsolicited advice and insist they take it

2. Tell them how they ‘should’ feel or what they ‘should’ do

3. Assume you know better and ignore or override their requests

This newsletter issue, How to Navigate the Long Tail of Grief, offers just a few tips on what to expect and how to support a grieving person as time goes on.

It doesn’t address YOUR specific challenges when people say you’re ‘too much’ and that the grieving has gone on for ‘too long’.

My clear and easy 5-step Heartbreak to Hope Blueprint can help you take back your life, on your terms.

Schedule a complimentary Grief Resilience Assessment with me at https://thebadwidow.com/ConnectWithAlison to find out more.