You Are Not Alone: weathering the epidemic of loneliness

Hi there,

Be comforted. You are not alone. The whole world is with you. We all have a stake in creating closer connections with each other.

In 2020 and 2021, we were in a grief crisis. Loneliness became an epidemic by 2023 so dangerous that Health and Human Services (HHS) published Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation 2023: the US Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community.

Every week, the media shares global stories about the human cost of loneliness and isolation. Grief after the death of a loved one makes it even worse because, for a person who is bereaved, the most common experience is of being misunderstood and abandoned.

According to the 2022 New York Times article, How Loneliness Is Damaging Our Health, “Loneliness, as defined by mental health professionals, is a gap between the level of connectedness that you want and what you have.”

In the 2023 Advisory, essential elements for social connection include:

• Structure - multiple connections and frequency of interactions

• Function - how relationships serve needs, wants and desires

• Quality - closeness of relationships, conversations and meetings

How to Close the Gap Between the Level of Connectedness You Want and What You Have.

People have different needs for what it takes not to be lonely when it comes to being connected with others. There is no ‘right’ way. What is yours?

An extrovert requires more interactions, may thrive in crowded places and their relationships are likely to be at varying degrees of intimacy. An introvert tends to need more time alone, may be overwhelmed by crowds and prefers fewer, closer relationships.

6 Questions - Clarity Is Your Superpower.

1. Structure

   1. Do you have sufficient existing relationships, including family, friends, acquaintances and colleagues, to be able to reach out when you need to?

   2. Are there enough of them so that, when your need for connection is great, especially when grieving, the support needed in each interaction can be spread across more than one relationship?

2. Function

   1. What work or other activities do you participate in?

   2. Which ones would you prefer to do alone and which would be better with company?

3. Quality

   1. How close or casual are your existing relationships and are they at the level of connectedness you want?

   2. Every person is not the best for all activities or occasions. Do you have people you can ask who also enjoy what you do?

Once you answer the 6 questions above to discover the gap between what you have and what you want, you can begin to fill it. For example, if you like to hike and don’t have a friend who enjoys hiking, it might be time to find one.

It’s much harder to address loneliness as a general, global problem than once you get specific with clarity about your own needs and small action steps which work for you. That gives you the power to do something different.

The Importance of Nurturing Individual Connection AND Community

6 Pillars from Advisory to Help the US Address the Epidemic of Loneliness 

1. “Strengthening social infrastructure, which includes things like parks and libraries as well as public programs

2. Enacting pro-connection public policies at every level of government, including things like accessible public transportation or paid family leave.

3. WWhat Mobilizing the health sector to address the medical needs that stem from loneliness.

4. Reforming digital environments to "critically evaluate our relationship with technology."

5. Deepening our knowledge through more robust research into the issue.

6. Cultivating a culture of connection.”

It matters that loneliness is now recognized as a global problem, so much so that the UK was the first country to appoint a Minister of Loneliness. What it means is that we are not alone. Being vulnerable about our loneliness is less scary because our loneliness is both individual and in community.

Take a look at the above 6 pillars and see if any of them appeal to you, especially 1 and 6. Allow connection moments to be big or small, take a span of time or just a moment. It all matters.

• What social infrastructures are you already a part of? These can include social groups like alumni organizations and interest groups like Roadrunners for running, which are all communities of people with a common interest.

• Can you reach out and help a person or group by taking an action or doing a service? For example, I have hauled boards in a Habitat for Humanity building and painted walls in an NYC public school with NY Cares. There are many ways to give back which help with loneliness.

• Can you add extra connection or gratitude into your interactions with others? Say hello or thank you to somebody unexpectedly. My late husband used to thank bus drivers for the great job they were doing driving the bus and every time, their faces lit up.

For a person who is grieving especially, it’s important to find common ground. Consider reaching out to individuals or a community who have been through the same kind of experience, whether it’s the death of a loved one, a divorce, loss of a job, a health crisis or any other heartbreaking loss. You speak the same language without explanation. That makes the connection much easier.

Since I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer, I can be one of those community resources for you.

Action Steps You Can Take

1. Subscribe and share the Life After Grief newsletter by email or on your social media platforms.

2. Buy The Bad Widow Guide to Life After Loss: Moving Through Grief to Live and Love Again for the story of how I took back my life after grief, including insights and action steps so you can too.

3. Schedule a complimentary zoom call to connect with me and find out if a grief resilience coaching session or program would support you in moving forward through your grief after loss of a loved one - https://thebadwidow.com/ConnectWithAlison