Remembering life is short

When Someone Dies, We Remember That We Are Mortal Too.

In the last month, there were three high-profile deaths:

1. Rosalynn Carter, former First Lady - Aug 18, 1927-Nov 19, 2023

2. Henry Kissinger, Secretary of State - May 27, 1923-Nov 29, 2023

3. Sandra Day O’Connor, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court - Mar 26, 1930-Dec 1, 2023

Their passing affected everyone who loved them, family, friends and colleagues, and, given who they were, all who admired them (or didn’t) globally. Each of them, in one way or another, from a 77-year love story to philanthropy, from shaping policy to legal rulings, changed the world.

I am the primary caregiver for my mother-in-law, who is 100 now. My husband, David, died in 2016, and I have been there for her ever since. My ‘whistling in the dark’ joke is that anyone younger than her who dies is just a piker, even Kissinger. It’s also my way to own my anticipatory grief that she will leave me too one of these days.

However, these deaths don’t touch us personally so they don’t impact us as deeply as when it is someone we know - a spouse or partner, a child, a sister or brother, aunt or uncle, grandmother or grandfather, close friend, colleague or boss.

Myself, I have lost a brother, a father, a husband, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends, and pets over the years. Grief has been a frequent companion. However, I have grown to appreciate the clarity of grief’s lens as it raises to the surface what truly matters.

Heartbreaking grief includes all the emotions roiling around, separately and together. As a grieving person, it’s disorienting. As someone supporting them, it can look as if they are broken. They are heartbroken, not broken, but the journey back takes unimaginable time and courage.

Common Reactions:

• Appreciation - sharing stories, nothing unsaid, call-to-action

• Regrets - rift in the relationship, unfinished business

• Fear - death brings up bucket list desires not yet accomplished

• Blame/Shame - should have said or done something differently

Don’t say, “I wish I could have (an epic love affair/an amazing career/all the money I desire/to be___________.” As long as you are alive, it’s still possible. There’s still time.

Ask different ‘before I die’ questions, such as:

• What do I want to accomplish (or release) to have no regrets?

• Which relationships do I need to heal (or walk away from) or create to be at peace?

• How do I desire to nourish my body and spirit to be happy?

• Is an epic love affair a priority for me?

• Whatever matters to you since everybody’s journey is different.

There is a fearlessness to living like tomorrow will be the last day of our own lives, of our time with the people we love, doing activities which light us up. Once the worst has been faced, there’s not much left that can scare us. Living true to yourself opens up what’s possible.

Ask yourself, “What will you do with your one, short life?”