How to Stay Present While Grieving

Hi there,

In the February 23, 2023 mindbodygreen post called How to Be More Present & Live in the Present, Rajeev Kurapati, M.D. says, “Our minds are always toggling between anticipating risk and cultivating hope.”

Grief after loss of a loved one is so disorienting that it disrupts everything. For me, after my husband died, the past held grief, pain and regret, and the future looked like an endless horizon of uncertainty about what my life would be without him. These are common experiences but every person who grieves does it in their own way. There’s no ‘right’ way so trust yourself.

One of the most powerful ways to be grounded is to stay in the present moment but that is not easy in stressful times. Trying to pull away from thinking about the life you lost or fearing the future you face is difficult.

It feels like the only reality but that’s a lie. Deflect with laser focus on now and small, short-term, seemingly unimportant activities for relief. Big questions like, “Why did this happen to me?” and “What does my future hold?” are unanswerable and upsetting because they have no clear, simple answer.

Make a List of Your Best Ways to Bring Yourself Present, No Matter What’s Going On.

The mindbodygreen post includes 12 activities which can help us reset back to NOW after focusing too hard on the past or future, to deflect unproductive stress and overwhelming feelings:

1. “Meditate

2. Engage all 5 senses

3. Start a hobby

4. Make eye contact

5. Focus on one thing at a time

6. Pause social media usage

7. Do some breathing exercises

8. Intentionally schedule time to be present

9. Feel emotions deeply

10. Get out in nature

11. Create a ritual with candles or other scented objects

12. Find support from a therapist”

Use this list of 12 activities to create your own, which may include these and have others specific to your needs. When under stress, it’s hard to think. A list allows you to choose an activity which you know works and just do it.

Lists provide a safety net for many productivity and relationship breakdowns, driven by the effects of grief. For example, I knew I would need self-care practices to survive David’s death so I asked my friends and they gave me over 100 amazing time-tested suggestions.

Connecting the Wisdom of Your Mind, Body and Spirit

1. Shift from thinking to feeling

   1. Focus on body sensations or feelings and start small.

   2. Focus on connecting with another person or with yourself.

   3. Focus on being mindful in nature.

2. Engage all 5 senses, one at a time, slowly

   1. Choose the sense you will be paying attention to.

   2. Choose a specific item to observe, based on that sense. For example, touch might be a textural item and sound might mean being in nature or listening to music.

   3. Do your best to isolate the sense you are using. For example, close your eyes if you are practicing the senses of smell, hearing, touch or taste.

3. Practice self-care and spiritual practices

   1. Self care is whatever you say it is, from taking a bubble bath, a walk, breathwork or drumming classes. It can mean exercise, meditation or journaling. Anything that centers you can be self care.

   2. Spiritual practices can include prayer, sacred movement, reading tarot cards or clearing chakras with crystals. Anything which is spiritual for you counts.

   3. Rituals can be designed for any occasion, from explaining the death of a pet to a child to starting to date again after the death of a spouse, useful for any transitional event.

Deflecting from Stressful Experiences

There are many stressful and overwhelming experiences in our daily lives, global, national and personal. Below are examples of some of those which cause misunderstandings or divisions between people.

• Environmental issues- climate change, gun control, abortion

• Political conflict - elections, corruption, war

• Relationships - death, divorce, disagreements

• Systemic dysfunction - healthcare, homelessness, immigration

• Workplace - discrimination, sexual harassment, unequal pay

Each of these are huge problems with no simple solutions and people disagree about what those solutions should be. It looks like we are helpless to make any difference.

For someone who is bereaved, thinking about these huge, global problems and obsessing on social media interactions is a distraction from the heartbreak of your loss. Except feeling emotions is essential for healing.

To take back your power, accept that nobody can do everything. To mute the noise, pick one issue you care about and take one step. Go small and focus.

Connect mind, body and spirit to look at what matters to you. Ask yourself what is missing from the solutions being provided. What can you do that fills the gap?

For a person who is grieving, finding out how to stay in the Now or reset to the present moment is a vital life skill. Learn how to ground and center when grief knocks you off balance. Obviously, this post just skims the surface of what’s possible so, if you want to go deeper, here are a few options.

Action Steps You Can Take

1. Subscribe and share the Life After Grief newsletter by email or on your social media platforms.

2. Buy The Bad Widow Guide to Life After Loss: Moving Through Grief to Live and Love Again for my story with practical steps to move forward and take back your life.

3. Schedule a complimentary Grief Resilience Assessment with me at https://thebadwidow.com/ConnectWithAlison