Walk the Bridge From Grieving to Thriving

Hi everyone,

This newsletter is going to be a little different.

Before my husband died in 2016 and I claimed aka Bad Widow as a name for myself, I was trying to figure out why some people thrive effortlessly and others don’t. The Affluence Code^® was born.

Forbes’ Best Tests To Help You Understand Your Strengths and Weaknesses lists 15 different assessment tools for measuring personality, behavior, emotional intelligence, strengths and weaknesses.

I have also taken the Kolbe Index, Strengthsfinder and Human Design, plus a job aptitude assessment to decide the career path I would be best at.

Each one provided data for improving results, useful but not enough to thrive. They did not see the whole of me in a cohesive way.

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When someone is grieving, everything gets stripped away, especially identity (who we believe we are). This happens when we assess and judge our value based on external realities, asking questions like:

• RELATIONSHIPS - How well am I nurturing my personal and professional relationships?

• WORK/CAREER - How am I doing, based on manager evaluations and how my organization appreciates and compensates me?

• MONEY - How much am I paid compared to others in my position?

• HEALTH - How is my and my family’s mental and physical health?

• TIME - Am I able to spend my time in a balanced way that supports my wellbeing and that of those I love?

Comparing and judging ourselves against others is deadly and can be disorienting when life events happen such as:

• Getting divorced or having a spouse die

• Losing a job or having a business fail

• Being underpaid or lacking financial stability and reserves

• Getting a terminal diagnosis like cancer

• Having to work several jobs and missing out on time with family

Who are you when external realities outside your control damage your certainty of your identity, what you are worth and why?

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My 100-year-old mother-in-law asks, “Why do you do so much for me?”

“Because I love you, “ I answer. Caregiving, groceries, bills, meals, dressing…

“Anything I can do, just let me know,” she always says.

She is accustomed to her value being in what she does (DO) for other people. She doubts that who she is (BE) makes her worthy of love all by itself. As I gladly do more for her, she feels beholden and out of balance.

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The world is geared to prioritize the value of DOing over BEing, but frequently circumstances outside our control knock us sideways.

If this is you, read on to find out how to shift yourself back to solid ground.

What Is the Affluence Code^®?

To design the Affluence Code^®, I looked at people to see how they were BEing first, trying to discover each person’s operating system.

Everyone experiences moments of ease and flow, when synchronicity kicks in and everything just works. This happens when you are being wholly yourself.

To get things DOne effortlessly, we have to focus on what matters most to us and take action congruent with our internal, not external, reality.

The Affluence Code^® is made up of 3 areas of focus (Work, Relationships, and Community), which I call lenses. The way each of us sees the world is how we interact with it.

• Work/Money is the lens I call Purpose

• Relationships/Connection is the lens I call Love

• Community/Service is the lens I call Charity

Everyone has all 3 but, for this newsletter, I will focus on the 1st (connect with me if you want to go deeper into all 3 of your lenses). Unlocking the Affluence Code^® makes it much easier to thrive. Ignoring it makes thriving a struggle, like swimming against the tide.

Knowing yours and that of those you interact with has practical implications for communication, teamwork, income, legacy and happiness. It provides clarity on what’s important so you can focus your attention on doing those activities first.

Is your 1st lens Purpose, Love or Charity?

Knowing this shows you what to do when life knocks you off balance. It gets you back to centered faster so you can make more informed decisions.

Dos After a Loss

• If it’s Purpose, go back to work and make sure you have structure - “execute impeccable work”

• If it’s Love, spend time with 1-3 close friends and increase self-care - “nurture 1-on-1 relationships”

• If it’s Charity, participate and contribute to the people in your community - “serve a thriving ecosystem”

Don’ts After a Loss

• If it’s Purpose, remember not to neglect your relationships

• If it’s Love, trust yourself and don’t let others override your requests

• If it’s Charity, don’t sacrifice yourself. Remember that you are part of the community you serve who needs to thrive

I have used the Affluence Code^® distinctions for myself, family and friends, 100s of clients, and podcast audiences. It is extraordinarily useful for thriving, with significantly less struggle along the way.

How the Affluence Code^® Works for My Clients

George, a 65-year-old client with Purpose lens first, who lost his job, set up a framework (structure) while they were figuring out next steps. He enjoys schedules, to-do lists and tracking results so it grounded him for interviews.

“Discussions of my interests and goals with Alison have enabled me to establish credibility within the business, technical and academic communities. Personally, I have grown from a “private person”, developing fresh relationships with family and friends to a degree I did not think possible as well as creating a vibrant professional network.” George B. 

My three clients with Love lens first, are artists (singing, painting and writing) who had multiple jobs so they had no time to pursue their art. By prioritizing self-care and creativity, income from art expanded and raving fans spread the word.

My client, Sylvia, with Charity lens first, was an advocate, elected to multiple committees in her city - including Vision Zero, food scraps and composting, and light rail transportation projects.

However, Sylvia was so effective that she was doing everything herself which meant 1) being pushed into activities she did not care about, 2) no time for herself, and 3) no space left for someone else to take over because she was already there. Once she understood that her Charity lens meant her mastery was to paint the vision and let the right people step up, she started saying, “No” and took back her life.

I once explained to a friend who had a big client presentation coming up during a car ride how each primary lens reveals itself in the language they use. By figuring out a client or colleague’s Affluence Code^® focus, you can speak to what they care about. Generally, for Purpose, it’s data. For Love, it’s people. For Charity, it’s culture. She closed the deal and told me that what I shared made the difference.

As you can see, the Affluence Code^® is practical, useful both for grounding and for getting things done in a way which is congruent with who you are.

How the Affluence Code^® and Grief Are Connected

In the 5-pillar Life After Grief Blueprint I use with my clients, the 1st pillar is Reconnect, which is the Affluence Code^®.

After a loss, Pillar 1: Reconnect is about coming back to yourself, when grief breaks your world apart. Clarity and focus are the key.

• The Affluence Code^® offers clarity on what you care about most (Work, Relationships or Community) and specifically how to take effective action, focused on your 1st lens so you thrive.

• Grief raises to the surface what matters most for each person. After a loss, it is not uncommon for a grieving person to stop compromising on values and speak out their truth. This can both be freeing and cause friction.

• The Affluence Code^® centers a person in the place where they are most at home. Once reconnected with themselves, it’s easier to make better decisions.

• Grief can be profoundly disorienting, as it shakes up 1) who we believe ourselves to be, 2) trust that people will be there for us, and 3) confidence in our ability to get things done. Grief makes everything harder from connecting with others to taking action.

Reconnecting with yourself as quickly as possible is the most important choice you can make. It allows you to return making decisions and taking action congruent with who you are now. After any loss, we are not the same.

This newsletter issue, Walk the Bridge from Grieving to Thriving shows how Pillar 1: Reconnect and the Affluence Code^® can be your bridge back to thriving, on your own terms. If you want to know more, let’s talk.

The 5-pillar Life After Grief Blueprint offers personalized strategies to reconnect, re-engage, reinvent, rebuild and reset your path forward.

Schedule a connection call with me to find out if grief coaching is for you at https://thebadwidow.com/ConnectWithAlison.